Joan Rivers

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Wisdom, History, Today

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Time, Fitness, Smiling

Never floss with a stranger.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Funny, Never, Stranger

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote God, Thankful, Sky

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote God, Diamonds, Me

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Happiness, Money, People

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Life, Mother, Woman

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Smart, Door, Enough

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Life, Funny, Laugh

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Wish, Know, Look

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Home, Hell, She

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Funny, God, Diamonds

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote People, Accept, Methods

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Dog, Me, Dumb

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Sex, Long, Forgotten

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Business, Good, Think

I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Change, Yourself, Sorry

I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Boss, People, Fox

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Funny, Baby, Bath

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Respect, Daughter, Sleep

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Mistakes, Sleep, Woman

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Day, Husband, Him

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Body, Die, Plastic Surgery

I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Day, Grateful, Chocolate

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Funny, Happy, Think

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Life, Good, Enjoy Life

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Oil, Strive, Top

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Food, Favorite, Fat

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Funny, Hate, Start

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.Joan Rivers

0 likes view quote Good, Beginning, Think
130 Joan Rivers quotes

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