Alan King

My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'Alan King

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My mother's sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.Alan King

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Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?Alan King

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That's the great thing about New Year's, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasn't such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time. When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That's what the trees are all about.Alan King

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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!Alan King

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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.Alan King

0 likes view quote Life, World, Trying

Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.Alan King

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Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.Alan King

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If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.Alan King

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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.Alan King

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Modesty is not one of my virtues.Alan King

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Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.Alan King

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You only live once, except for Shirley MacLaine.Alan King

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My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn't let him cut my nails.Alan King

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Did you hear the one about the elderly Jew on his deathbed who sent for a priest, after declaring to his astonished relatives that 'I want to convert.' Asked why he would become a Catholic, after living all his life as a Jew, he answered: 'Better one of them should die than one of us.'Alan King

0 likes view quote Life, Living, Die

I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.Alan King

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It's not easy being a father, but I've been allowed a comeback.Alan King

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As a parent, I'd - I'd be a better father.Alan King

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I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.Alan King

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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.Alan King

0 likes view quote Humor, Crime, Stage

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.Alan King

0 likes view quote Humor, Great, Think

Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a tremendous party.Alan King

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Right when I started in show... Milton Berle was my first idol. When I was a kid, I went to see Milton at Lowe's State, and I never laughed so much, and I said, 'That's who I want to be; that's what I want to be.'Alan King

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I'm only... I'm only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I'm a... I'm just screaming all over the place with joy.Alan King

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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.Alan King

0 likes view quote Humor, Fun, Want

When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.Alan King

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There's a charm, there's a rhythm, there's a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, 'You're doing a Jewish act.'Alan King

0 likes view quote Humor, Soul, Him

The ability to absorb a book and make someone else's words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.Alan King

0 likes view quote Words, Book, Someone

When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.Alan King

0 likes view quote Time, Father, Thought

My son says I never tell stories about anyone who's living.Alan King

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52 Alan King quotes

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